Though these concepts will be written from the perspective of men’s approach anxiety when approaching women, they are still applicable to both men and women afraid of rejection when approaching each other.
Why are people afraid to approach each other?
It feels good to be accepted. We quickly learn to seek the approval of others, and fear rejection. A rejection seems to imply that we are somehow not good enough. To avoid the risk of rejection, many men never initiate conversations with women at all. This fear of rejection causes them to hide in a fake world where they can pretend everyone loves them because they only interact with friends who’ve already accepted them.
When a man approaches a woman and she ignores him, it triggers the same pain he felt when rejected by female classmates when younger. Maybe those memories have long since faded away. But the pain is still there.
InSocial Confidence MasteryI explain how to resolve these childhood traumas to unleash your inner confidence.
The Most Important Step in Overcoming Fear of Approaching Women
Learning to accept yourself is an essential step to approaching others with confidence. Especially for men approaching women. If you don’t even like yourself, then why would they like you? The men I know who get the best results approaching women ALL love their lives and themselves. It should be obvious, but I’ll state this because I don’t want comments from trolls: This isn’t narcissism. It’s actually being completely satisfied with who you are and passionate about living a life you love! From what I’ve seen, men are successful approaching women to the degree they like themselves!
Of course there will always be exceptions. Some women are just rude, have poor social skills, are shy, in a bad mood, or are just superficial and think you don’t match some meaningless criteria she has to pay attention to you. But the men who actually like themselves aren’t impacted by those women at all! They always eventually meet and attract women who get absorbed in the relaxed, confident banter they provide.
The guy I know who’s the best at this is a very happy guy. He had a great childhood. He is living his dream of becoming a professional opera singer and training at the best schools for it in Italy. He’s really great at it. Women he approaches women on the street or any venue, enjoy his positivity. He doesn’t reek of neediness and low self-esteem like many insecure guys do.
Women Smell Your Fear
When you approach with low self-esteem, women pick up on those negative vibes and it’s an immediate turn off. Women pick up on your validation seeking and neediness. If it seems like you need them to smile, give a good reaction, talk to you or date you then it implies you don’t feel you are already good enough. Internal validation means you don’t need women to like you to feel good about yourself. If you want to overcome fear of approaching women, then you should start liking yourself.
That’s really the main point you should remember. Love yourself and live a life you are passionate about! Then approaching any woman won’t be a terrifying test of your worth as a human being. You’ll simply be presenting yourself to another person and don’t need to worry if they are interested or not. You will no longer be so outcome dependent!
There are tons of books about how to pick up girls, talk to them, attract them, seduce them and so on. When the author has lots of experience he probably makes plenty of useful points. There’s definitely some useful advice in it. Read a book or two on the subject to improve your understanding of how dating works between men and women. But beyond that, you shouldn’t need to keep studying the subject. If you want to overcome fear of approaching women, you don’t need to read a hundred books about overcoming approach anxiety. But you do need to lean to express your creativity.
With a basic understanding of the differences between men and women, and how relationships are formed everything else will fall into place as soon as you start loving yourself and your life!
Treating Symptoms of Fear Vs. Causes of Fear
- Improve your Body Language This is something I have mixed feelings about suggesting. Because many people have horrible body language that definitely gives a bad impression and needs correcting. However, sometimes when you point out someone’s poor body language, it makes them very self-conscious.They start worrying more about presenting good body language and it makes them even more nervous and awkward.More importantly, when you learn to love yourself and your life, you’ll naturally express more confident body language. You won’t be as afraid of rejection and losing validation from someone you’ve just met.
- Improve your Speaking Many guys speak too quietly or too fast when nervous. This is another habit that naturally corrects itself when you have real confidence. So don’t worry too much if you have trouble with this still. The way you speak naturally reflects how you feel about yourself.
- Change Limiting Beliefs Be more positive about yourself. Harshly judging yourself only keeps you in a spiral of negativity and the victim mentality. Open up to the idea you have more potential.
- Learn Conversation Skills I cover conversation skills in-depth in Social Confidence Mastery. I don’t just give you a few interesting ways to start a conversation. That wouldn’t work because what do you do after you run out of those tactics?Instead, you’ll discover exactly how to tap into your creativity and finally relax in conversations and express yourself naturally. Every client whose read this book and tried the techniques say they feel much more at ease in conversations now.Poor conversation skills are either because of anxiety that closes off your creativity, or lack of experience. Sometimes you just worry about what is appropriate to say in a situation. It often takes social experience and taking risks to figure out what you can get away with in a conversation.Also, If you present yourself as a confident, playful person and make all kinds of jokes, people are much more likely to accept it. But if you present yourself as a shy, serious person, then suddenly make a crude joke, people are more likely to feel surprise because it isn’t what they expect from you.
- Manage Your Reactions Just because someone you approach ignores you does NOT mean you are ugly, creepy or unattractive for any reason. Realize that it’s possible she ignored you because of her own bad social skills, shyness, or a bad mood. Maybe it was a simple mistake in your body language, tone, or choice of words. Take the feedback as a learning opportunity, not evidence for your failure to attract every single person into your life.Poor body language, speaking, and conversation skills are usually symptoms of fear. The body’s stress response shuts down the creative part of your mind and restricts your actions and speech. It’s an attempt to hide yourself from scrutiny. When you have high self-esteem you will no longer worry as much about needing the approval of every person you talk to. Your body language, and way of speaking will reflect your self-confidence.
Approach with a Giving Mentality Rather than a Taking Mentality
This is another tip that works best when it happens naturally and you aren’t forcing yourself to do it. When you approach a woman to start a conversation, don’t assume you are interested in dating her. Don’t assume you need her to smile or give you a good reaction. You can want a good reaction, but you shouldn’t need it to feel good about yourself.
You are simply giving her an opportunity to get to know you. And she doesn’t need to take that opportunity if she doesn’t want it. Sometimes someone may offer you delicious food, but you don’t take it because you aren’t hungry at that moment. Nobody needs to get offended because of it.
We tested this with an exercise before. We had guys ask random girls for a piece of their food and compare that to the feeling of giving away food. They all agreed that it was much more uncomfortable to ask people for food than to give it away for free. They put more pressure on themselves to succeed when they were trying to take value. When they were giving it away for free, they really didn’t care of some girls didn’t want the free food. Because eventually they would find someone who would take it.
When you are trying to take value from people they pick up on it. It’s uncomfortable. But when you are giving value without desperately needing validation in return people it’s more comfortable for you. You aren’t as stressed out about getting great reactions or not. This helps you relax. Since you don’t care as much about getting great reactions, people are generally more responsive.
There are other factors to consider too. I also have more tips for relaxing in social situations. But I think these are the most important. It may take time to internalize these new beliefs. If you still fear rejection, then read part 2.
Next, read part 2 How to Overcome Fear of Rejection!
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