This article is for shy guys who get nervous around attractive women and don’t have much dating experience. Dating should be a fun opportunity to see if there is a mutual connection or at least a mutual sexual attraction.
Both men and women can be awkward messes when it comes to dating. Women can also get value out of these tips but to my knowledge men are more in need of confidence and leadership skills when it comes to dating.
For people without much social confidence you will need practice.
They provide regular opportunities for members to step out of their comfort zones by practicing several types of public speaking. It can help you develop confidence in your ability to share your thoughts.
There are many ways to practice improving your confidence and communication skills with dates, new acquaintances or anyone. By developing these skills you can start to relieve anxiety. Because a major reason for that anxiety is a fear of exposing your own inadequacy.
If you feel like you aren’t good at communicating, you’ll worry people will be judging your speaking skills. It will make you feel more anxious. But by remember a few of the following tips, and practicing your speaking skills regularly, you can minimize anxiety by being more prepared.
This social competence can be applied to your dating life.
Here are 5 more Tips That will help you feel more confident on are First Date:
1. Don’t Praise Boring Nonsense
I remember a guy I know was talking to a girl and he asked her, “What’s your major?” she replied, “Japanese.” His response was to act amazed and say “wow that’s so cool!” She immediately walked away.
This exaggerated response betrays the truth that he doesn’t actually think her major is “cool.” It’s obvious he is trying to praise anything he can to in hopes of getting her to like him. He has no standards for what he considers, “cool.” She could say she likes to torture animals and he’d still say, “Wow that’s so cool!”
You have to have standards for what you approve of. If you approve of any person 100%, especially when you’ve just met them and know nothing about them it only exposes your lack of standards and needy desire to be loved by everyone.
A guy with this needy mentality has already desired to shower every non-accomplishment with excessive praise before he even begins the interaction. It’s like saying, “I approve of everything about you before I even know anything about you!” Which is insane.
It doesn’t come from an altruistic desire to compassionately love all humans equally. It comes from a toxic, selfish desire to win people’s approval by praising everything about them in the hopes of provoking the desired response. It’s actually very disgusting. Which is why the girl in the above story immediately walked away when confronted with it.
Both men and women should be willing to praise something actually praiseworthy. Some people refuse to give compliments because of their own insecurities. Don’t be like that. Be willing to say nice things when it’s deserved. By honestly expressing yourself you are being confident. Confident people don’t need to lie about approving of something they think is boring.
2. Don’t Worry About the Outcome
Worrying about the future just keeps you focused on events that haven’t even occurred and distracts you from the present moment. Focus on enjoying the conversation. Focus on whatever is happening around you and comment on it.
If you care too much about the outcome, it raises the value of that outcome. And the higher the price, the less likely it will become. It’s basic economics. Imagine your desired outcome, (a kiss, promise of a second date, a new relationship, doggy style, etc.), is a new product. If that new product is highly desired the price will rise with this demand. But if nobody wants it, the price will get lower and lower, making it more attainable.
If a man goes on a date and begs the girl in front of him for a kiss with words similar to these: “Please kiss me! I haven’t kissed a girl in years! I really need this! I’ll die if you don’t kiss me!” Of course this is an exaggeration of the needy vibe many people give off. The point is but placing so much value on that kiss it becomes really expensive. This guy has to work harder to earn that kiss because he’s framed it as something much more valuable than it actually is. Not to mention the fact the way he asks is repulsive. All this makes it less likely he’ll get anything out of this date.
But if he hadn’t placed any value at all on the kiss this has the opposite effect. This makes the kiss more likely, though of course it also depends on other things that go well during the date.
The important point is that you are focused on enjoying the present moment. Don’t place value on any theoretical future event. Just allow things to happen as they should and don’t force any outcome you desperately feel you need.
3. Have a plan
It’s the social convention that men have a plan and lead the date. If it’s going well at one point it’s the man’s responsibility to suggest the next place or activity and women can refuse that suggestion if she isn’t yet ready. Of course women are free to make suggestions too. Though in mine and the dating experience of countless other men, letting women plan a first date is often disappointing.
As a man it’s your responsibility to have a plan and lead. It’s exciting for women. She can relax and stop worrying about making decisions as you’ve already done the hard work of preparing. Having a plan frees you up to stop worrying about where you will go later. As you won’t be stressing out about the future, you can relax and focus on the present moment. This is why having a plan helps you feel more confident.
For women, be wary of a man without a plan. Does he have plans for his own life? Is he too shy to lead? I’ve also known many women to test a man’s leadership abilities by throwing challenges into the date plans. Such as wanting to meet at different places, changing times, or wanting to bring a friend. Sometimes there may be a legitimate reason, but often women do this as a test.
4. Stop worrying about Having the Perfect Topic
You can talk about anything. There are plenty of great suggestions out there. Such as talk about family, relationships, people, likes and dislikes. But the problem is you don’t need any specific topic to attract a person. It’s your attitude that determines whether you have a successful date or not. What you talk about doesn’t matter as much.
The fact that you worry about the topic just shows you are worried you aren’t good enough to entertain your date. Confident, self-fulfilled people wouldn’t care so much about the topic. They would focus on getting to know their date and enjoying the conversation. As they are able to enjoy the moment, their creativity will flow. They will naturally have lots of great questions and fun topics.
But someone who worries about being inadequate is going to shut down their creativity. They will constantly be filtering their thoughts to make sure they are good enough. This gives the impression that they have nothing interesting to talk about and need some special topic suggestions to make good conversation. However lack of topics is not the problem. The actual problem is lack of confidence and excessive self-doubt.
5. Don’t worry about being perfect
I recently searched Google for confidence tips on a first date. I only looked at few articles but they were all complete crap. They suggested smile, be yourself, practice confident body language, and a few other of the usual suggestions. It’s not wrong. But worrying about all this stuff takes you out of the moment. If you are constantly worried about displaying the correct body language your movements will become more awkward.
Don’t worry about impressing your date. You don’t need to be perfect. Imperfection is an honest display of who you actually are. This doesn’t mean brag about your failures and mistakes. It simply means don’t assume you need to pretend to be perfect in every way. When you feel inadequate it messes up your chances of success. Because you are constantly thinking about tricks and lies to make you seem like an awesome catch. The truth is these tricks take a lot of energy, make you tired and neurotic. By honestly expressing who you are you, flaws and all, you open up your creativity. You feel safe enough to actually be yourself.
If you need more confidence in social situations please consider reading my new book: Social Confidence Mastery: How to Eliminate Social Anxiety, Insecurities, Shyness, And The Fear of Rejection